Imagine Chelsea Handler walking into a Known Attention Whores meeting (it can’t be anonymous by design) and watching her go up to the mic. She pretends it’s a phallus, humps the air a little bit, then announces, “Hi, I’m Chelsea. It’s been a scant two weeks since the last time I posted a completely unnecessary photo of my tits or ass on the Internet, and I’ve fallen off the wagon. I sent another nude selfie Instagram upload to a friend for their birthday.”
Maria Sharapova was the guest of honor at Chelsea’s latest social media self-absorption affair. I know it’s 420, but you may want to bypass the bake sale in order to inject heroin straight into your eyeballs.
Chelsea previously rolled out the waxed carpet for Reese Witherspoon‘s birthday, and I am eternally grateful for Instagram’s Terms and Conditions because it’s the only thing saving us from a celebratory labia shot in honor of buddy Jennifer Aniston scoring PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful cover. Gallery is NSFW.