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I’m a fairly craptacular gossip blogger. (Please don’t all shout “NO SHIT!” at once.) It’s not because I don’t love my job because I do. But I have a pile of belly button lint, a few crumpled taco wrappers, no less than three empty coffee mugs and maybe four functioning brain cells where my memory should be. The result is a lot of mashed up backstories in my head and when I actually research details, I find myself sitting here with this look on my face as I read:

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Because I don’t really give half a limp hamster dick about Gisele Bündchen, the history of how she hooked up with Tom Brady and when his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan‘s pregnancy came into play wasn’t clear. I’d assumed it was more like the Claire Danes/Billy Crudup/Mary Louise Parker mess where Tom bailed on Bridget when she was five hundred eleventy months pregnant and shacked up with Gisele. And, since Gisele just did an interview on CBS This Morning where she called Bridget’s pregnancy news a “challenging thing” a month after Claire called the backlash she received when Billy left Mary Louise high and dry in her third trimester “really hard,” I was ready go in.

But it turns out if we’re comparing apples to apples, Gisele and Tom’s hookup wasn’t salacious and he found out Bridget was several months pregnant after they broke up, so the side-eye I’m sending Gisele’s way is steeped in judgment from her stupidly expensive coffee table book and that whole burqa thing instead of being home wrecking slore-flavored.

“It was a challenging thing because here I am, you know, thinking I’m dating this guy. We met, we started dating, everything is great, and then this happens so I felt I didn’t know what to do,” she admitted. “Do I just run away?”

“He’s kind. He’s a good man,” she said, later saying of Brady’s son John, 8, “I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter bonus child.”

(E! News)

It worked out pretty well for them. Their ridiculous prettiness meshed well to give them a couple of nice looking crotchfruit. Tom put his testicles in her purse and his hair in her hands and went around looking like a 1970’s gigolo version of Harry Styles for a while at her behest. They were able to weather Deflategate and the slew of memes about his soft, malleable balls. She has a new rack (which has nothing to do with anything, I’m just here for my pervy readers.) All’s well that ends well at Casa de Butt Chins, at least for now.

Gallery of pretty mofos and their pretty kids/bonus children. Pics from IG and Facebook. To quote Leah Remini and risk further demonization by Scientology, GET A ROOM!