If the scent of a fresh ombre dye job, yoga-induced B.O., veganism and a level of hotness that refuses to give ladyparts a damn break wafted through the air just now, it’s the spirit of Hot Hobo Jesus.
Jared Leto can cut his hair, dye it bright pink or Joker green, embrace the rock star mohawk, or shave that shit off entirely and he’ll still be HHJ to me. And I will forever ship him with Lupita Nyong’o because the Lupeto magic of the 2014 awards season will never die. Hell, if they decide to get together, pop out a few babies and live happily ever after, you may see my ass back here for a good, old fashioned fangirl flail via keyboard.
Onto the objectification, all courtesy of Jared’s Instagram account.
Hot Hobo Jesus is taking a stand against opportunistic jackoffs who steal his stuff and sell it to other opportunistic jackoffs. The Hollywood Reporter says Jared Leto is suing TMZ and their parent company Warner Bros. Entertainment for publishing a video of him bashing Taylor Swift taken at his home in September.
In the footage, Jared and a sound engineer critique and admire Taylor’s 1989 album, joke about stealing some of her better production work and, at the end, Jared says, “I mean, fuck her. I don’t give a fuck about her.”
He broke my heart when he issued an apology to Taylor and her fans, tweeting about how “amazing” she is and is “an incredible example of what’s possible.” No, Jared! No mindless ass kissing! Go to my room, get naked and think about what you’ve done.
Now Jared is suing claiming TMZ knew the video was stolen when they bought it for the paltry sum of $2,000. He says his team notified them that the footage was privately owned by Jared, but they ran with it anyway.
“Let’s be clear. This was stolen footage. This was an invasion of privacy. And it was both legally and morally wrong. Regardless of who we are, we should all be able to talk freely in the privacy of our own homes without the fear that our unfiltered thoughts or actions will get broadcast to the world. We have the right to privacy and security and when we don’t have protections in place to safeguard those things, we lose the freedom to speak loudly and clearly – right or wrong – about anything and everything we choose to. I have chosen to file this lawsuit not because I want to, but in hopes it will encourage more people to stop trafficking in stolen goods, to follow proper legal procedure and so that it may motivate additional consideration for the harm these acts can create, especially when the only intention is to simply further the bottom line for the companies and corporations that commit these acts.”
The lawsuit alleges TMZ “rushed to publish” the video and kept it up even after receiving a call from the videographer begging them to take it down because it wasn’t his to sell.
I take back all that shit I talked about Paris Hilton hosting an event benefitting a children’s charity. She can stay in Ibiza and work her way through needy youth organizations wearing those stupid fucking kitten ears and doing the white girl hand wave as she spins club music as long as she’s willing to don a boot borrowed from Shaquille O’Neal that might pinch a little in the toes and punt Miley Cyrus square in the cooter bone if she so much as tries to get anywhere near Amnesia nightclub’s party planning committee.
The VMAs, hosted and heavily influenced by Miley’s fuckery, was a cesspool of near nudity, classlessness, genitalia and ocular assault. Her after party at the Roosevelt Hotel took shit to the next level. Page Six says the event doubled as a celebration for Miley’s new album Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz and featured little people, dicks and stunt coke.
The X-rated bash at Beacher’s Madhouse at the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel had walls covered with images of genitals and melting ice cream, and the ceiling was covered with neon balloons and streamers.
“Mini performers were dressed up in ice-cream-cone costumes,” said one attendee.
“There were fake lines of cocaine on everyone’s tables. A station was set up in a corner where guests bobbed for penises in a large container of milk.”
There would be less trash in a landfill if the Kardashians were lowered into it than there was at the party. The only thing that could have made it worse is if Miley only played tracks from the new album. If she did, I can only guess it was to fit in with the dick theme because every single song sucks a horse-sized chonch. They can be found here if you’re a glutton for punishment.
There are a few snaps of various party business from Instagram in the gallery. You couldn’t pay me enough to eat a bite of that cake.
Clicking may cause one or more of the following symptoms: Dry heaving, full-blown vomiting, uncontrollable eye rolling, rage, complete fucking indifference, an inexplicable desire to go back in time and abort Tish Cyrus’s pregnancy, a fist through your screen, wild disappoint in Jared Leto for attending, wild jealousy that Miley’s Manic Panic pube situation may have brushed up against Jared’s legendary peen situation as she tried to hump on him, a newfound distaste for dildos, and anal leakage.
And I’m not just saying that because I’m still mourning the loss of the flowing ombre tresses that made up a huge part of the hot sack of humpmuffin known as Hot Hobo Jesus (RIP 2015). This pic Jared Leto teased on Snapchat where he’s sort of made up as the Joker for his role in Suicide Squad is nothing but “no, thank you.” It looks like Rayon, his character from Dallas Buyers Club cosplaying at a low-tier comic book convention nobody with a proper nerd boner would ever set foot in. I’m hoping this is just the product of a lost evening where the wine, Manic Panic hair color and whatever shade of lipstick Steve Buscemi used to draw all over his face in Billy Madison were flowing.
I can deal with the hair cut. I took the bleaching in stride. I even looked the other direction when Jared Leto showed up to Paris Fashion Week dressed like an aging socialite doing a sobriety test on the side of state highway 82 as it runs through Aspen.