I wish the crooked face on the winged mermaid thing wasn’t the first thing my eye was drawn to when checking out Adam Levine‘s new back tattoo. I appreciate nice ink on hot guys, but that poor mermaid is front and center with the same stymied look on her face that I get every time Adam turns up blonde or with a shaved head. There’s only one thing that would make my eyeballs’ frown turn upside down and that would be a shot of him from the front at the same cutoff spot. My imagination can work with hinted-at cockroot way more than weirdly asymmetrical mermaid face, not that I should talk. My one and only tattoo is an uninspired yin yang tramp stamp that’s crooked as fuck because I jumped like a little bitch when the gun touched me.
Adam’s wife Behati Prinsloo showed off the tattoo on her own Instagram.
I was already going to hightail it to the theatre to see Deadpool before I knew Ryan Reynolds‘ penis makes a cameo. Now that I’m privvy to this information, the hightail has turned into hopping in my minivan, doing donuts in our cul de sac, and peeling out with a middle finger in the air. Sitting in a darkened room with one hundred other people — most of them dudes scoffing about all the “fake fans” with whom they’re forced to share oxygen — while shoving handfuls of popcorn mixed with peanut M&Ms in my face wasn’t how I dreamed of getting a glimpse of the Reynolds goods, but beggars can’t be choosers.
(As an aside, if Ryan never referred to his stash of condoms as “Reynolds Wrap” when he was in college, he needs to go back in time and make things right.)
Ryan talked to E!‘s Sibley Scoles about his thoughts on guys flashing their bat and balls onscreen.
“There should be more male nudity in movies,” Reynolds said. “I’m just saying that because women are typically exploited in the worst ways…so I feel like you got to kind of even it out a little bit.”
But then he added, “Although, yeah, I don’t know. Maybe we should limit all of it just a little bit.”
E! described Ryan’s full frontal during a fight scene with co-star Ed Skrein as “very quick full frontal flashes of Reynolds’ manhood in a hazy mix of smoke and fire” but my brain would only process the words “peen shot screenshots from bootleg iPhone videos before that shit gets yanked off YouTube.” Yeah, I’m a pervert. But you slores flocked in droves to check out the link of Tom Hardy’s junk yesterday, so I don’t feel alone.
I’m still slightly reeling from putting together that gallery of Rose McGowan that included a photo in which she looks like Jim Carrey’s character from The Mask went all blood hound and enthusiastically performed cunnilingus on a woman during one of her heavy flow days. I was ready to embrace booze o’clock once my loaner kid was picked up and my husband came home from work, but Henry Cavill half-naked and wearing a pair of sweatpants tied so low I just leaned in to see if there was a peek of cockroot is already doing the trick. I don’t have a goddamned care in the world as I soak up up Henry’s hot bitch goodness. I’ll even ignore the fact that it looks like his bush goes all the way up to the belly button. It’s kind of nice seeing a guy who doesn’t look like he was waxed from neck to nuts.
Henry posted this pic to Instagram and wrote he’s starting warm up workouts for Superman training.
Warm up phase for Superman training started today! Posting this pic to set myself a minimum goal…and force myself to actually keep going haha!
One person’s minimum goal is another’s gonna climb that like a tree.
I’d like to take a minute to thank the magazine, that pool, his parents’ genetics, God and also Jesus for this BTS video of Matt Bomer‘s photo shoot for Men’s Fitness. It’s not often I find myself speechless when it comes to someone else’s physical attributes, yet here I am gesturing toward Matt’s insanely hot wetness on my laptop screen and mumbling, “Congratulations on your…everything” around mouthfuls of leftover mashed potatoes, which would probably horrify him. Those abs don’t look like they’ve known high glycemic index carbs in the Biblical sense quite as often as mine, which I’m assuming are still there somewhere under all of the mush.
His husband is a lucky man.
Gallery of screen shots are below for those who need some extra…um…time with some of the poses.
…And other rhetorical questions I’m pretty sure Thing 1 is tired of hearing right when he walks in the door after school. It’s okay. He’ll need fodder for his therapist eventually.
John Stamos and his glutes are gracing the pages of everyone’s go-to attention whore THOT shot publication: PAPER magazine. They brought us Miley Cyrus weird body paint shoot (NFSW) and Kim Kardashian‘s NSFW failed attempt to break the internet while slathered head to toe in whatever bargain basement sex lube she still has laying around from her sex tape days with Ray J.
There was a Q&A that went along with the photo as part of Paper’s #Fandemonium issue dedicated to celebrities with “devoted online fan bases.”
What is the most amazing thing about being you?
Basically, I get to meet truly extraordinary people. I especially like the funny ones. This life has surpassed my ability to describe it. It’s wondrous. I’ve found myself in so many absolutely unbelievable situations… it’s all wonderfully insane.
What is the most stressful thing about being you?
Answering questions like this. And learning lines is the hardest part of the acting process.
When you want to get attention, what do you do?
Pose for PAPER.
Have you ever edited your Wikipedia page?
I never have — but I remember early on reading it and someone else edited in that I had done a bunch or porno films with very funny titles. Clever.
I guess John has a nice ass if you’re into man booty. Click on pic to enlarge and/or print out for your masturbatory needs.