I’ll take Terrible, Punny Titles Designed To Objectify Men for $800, Alex. And Chris Hemsworth any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
The first official trailer for the Ghostbusters reboot starring Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon came out two months ago. Since then, it has racked up more than 32 million views, 800,000 downvotes, and 200,000 mostly negative comments from fanboys and fuckboys alike on YouTube. Undeterred by the backlash because they have a $154 million product to promote even if Ghostbusters purists are coming out of the woodwork, Sony has released a new trailer heavy on the Hemsworth. Whipping out the one dick on the starting roster isn’t going to do much to appease those who believe deep down that the only feasible team to fight the paranormal in a two hour-long display of pure fiction is one that is vagina-free, but I appreciate the effort nonetheless.
P.S. I want that hood ornament for my Toyota minivan.
Fresh off a spectacularly awkward performance in which he struggled to play himself, Johnny Depp spent some time at Disneyland effin’ with the crowds. Dressed as the Mad Hatter to promote the upcoming Alice Through the Looking Glass, a video feed of Johnny livestreamed on a billboard movie poster. He started off slowly, blinking and moving, then amped up the weird when people started to realize he could see and hear them. I find myself disappointed no actors were on hand to compliment my kids on their “wonderful craniums” when we took them to Disneyland a few years ago. It’s like I went through three perineum tears for nothing.
Alice Through the Looking Glass is out on May 27 and has received mixed reviews. Visually, it’s the equivalent of trick-or-treating in the high-end neighborhood that gives out full-sized Hershey bars. From a storytelling perspective, the overwhelming opinion plays out more like that cranky old lady down the street who gives out raisins.
The video below can be summed up in one sentence: We are all Heather.
I’m about as secular as they come most days. If I ever find myself appealing to a higher power, it’s in the least religious way possible. “Dear Heavenly Father. Please make sure there’s one box of Nutty Bars left on the shelf at the Walmart closest to my house when I make a desperate run at 10:30 at night. If you can make that happen, I can’t promise I will attend church, but I’ll definitely drop down to the posted speed limit outside St. Catherine’s on Sundays.” Watching the video uploaded to Twitter of a man completely ignoring the action and sitting nose-deep in a book at Beyonce‘s Formation tour show in Raleigh is the closest I’ve come to finding religion. I’m almost certain he is the reincarnation of my mother. Or, at the very least, one of her horcruxes.
She didn’t go anywhere without a book when I was growing up. Dance recital. Book. Swim lessons. Book. Restaurant. Book. Movie theatre. Book and sitting closest to the aisle so she could read by the glow of the path lighting. You can bet your ass she’d be reading at a damn Beyonce concert, too. She’ll be gone seven years this July and Mother’s Day weekend always has a pall of melancholy cast upon it, but this helps a little.
Us Weekly reports the gentleman’s name is George Papageorgiou. Ironically, he was working a concession counter at the venue for his church. For you book addicts, he’s reading a 53-year-old copy of Danube Pilot by Jules Verne. He says his eyeballs like Beyonce just fine, but he’s more into 50’s, 60’s and 70’s classics and listens to a lot of Greek music.
Remember when Alec Baldwinwrote an essay bitching about the rigors of celebrity and vowing to leave New York for Los Angeles in order to escape the presence of paparazzi? It was after a string of public meltdowns where he came out smelling like a rose saturated with bullshit and failed anger management classes. The motivation behind the move backfired in Beverly Hills yesterday. TMZ has a video of Alec yelling at a paparazzo, telling him wife Hilaria is off-limits to photographers. Watch it here.
As far as Alec rants go, it’s pretty tame. One could toss it into a Paparazzi Ain’t Shit machine, squint at the result and decide he was just standing up for his pregnant wife as any man with an easily irritated sense of chivalry might do. On the flip side, some may come to the conclusion that the best course of action for L.A. shutterbugs who hit the ho stroll to get pics would do well to keep a handful of Xanax in their pocket and toss a couple in Alec’s mouth if they come across him. TMZ also pointed out it’s interesting that Alec lost his cool one day, then was peacefully photographed with Hilaria leaving a pap-riddled hot spot the day after the argument with the other guy.
I had no idea the world of morning entertainment news shows was a breeding ground for high drama. Actually, I take that back. I’ve never cared whether or not morning entertainment news shows are a breeding ground for high drama. Watching commercial-riddled segments hosted by overly cheery talking heads who make eight figures a year offends both my anti-morning and broke bitch sensibilities. I like to leisurely browse headlines and articles, preferably written by someone with a flair for the sarcastic. The fact that Michael Strahan‘s hasty exit from Live! with Kelly and Michael in favor of a high-dollar gig on Good Morning America is top gossip fodder is a little baffling, but we’re going to run with it anyway.
TMZ is knee-deep in sources that say co-host Kelly Ripa is beyond livid that she was blindsided by Michael’s decision to leave the show. She was a no-show at work this morning, pissed she was left in the dark until yesterday morning when Michael sat her and executive producer Michael Gelman down to break the news. The sources say Kelly feels so humiliated, she may not return for the “forseeable future”. The show’s staff is also reportedly bunched in the panty area at Disney and network CEO Bob Iver for brokering the deal on the down-low.
Michael addressed his departure and laid the love for Kelly on thick.
“I really want to thank of course Kelly Ripa because Kelly welcomed me here and I’ve learned so much from her,” he said. “She’s been an amazing influence on me and it has truly changed my life to be here with her. I know that the show will continue to be strong and great because of Kelly and Michael Gelman and the staff here. Everybody is so talented and this show has not been around for over 30 years by mistake … Kelly, I thank you and I love you and everyone else here at Live.”
Michael was hired to replace longtime host Regis Philbin in 2012. He appears to have taken a page from the book his predecessor wrote; Regis told Kelly he was bailing on the show and retiring 15 minutes before they went on the air in 2011.